Uruha - v.20 [BEFORE I DECAY]

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Thursday, April 16, 2009
Things Are Not Getting Better.

sometimes when you're going downhill, you don't know when you'll reach the bottom do you?
things just keep going downwards, you sometimes wonder if there's even a stop to it.
when is the roller coaster going up again? or has it come to an end?

Before posting the previous post, I received a piece of news from my sister about my family. It came for a shock for sure, but it didn't bother me that much. After posting the previous entry, i continued to behave normally, until around dawn, when my sister refused to go to school again, the news started to sink in, and I felt the fear within me.

This is affecting my whole family. It has put tremendous stress on me again. It feels like I'm returning to the start of how all these happened. The worst thing about it is that I cannot cry; I cannot show that I am weak. My sisters depend on me, I cannot fall.

And with the accumulation of personal problems I am feeling, when the news sank in, i lost faith in the magical thing called love for quite a while. I lost every single drop of respect for the males on Earth for a while too. I swear i hated men when i felt the news get into me. But then again, I do not think as a woman I felt any better. Every humans' hands are dirty. Yes, that's the thought.

I voiced my desperation of needing (NEED, not want) my brother back asap to a few friends after that. I need a tranquilliser, and I figured only two people in the world has the ability to do that to me now. However, one's overseas; the other too busy to meet me... I decided to sleep alot, hoping time will pass faster and my brother will be back before I give in and break down to this mental stress.

While sleeping away, I received a message from Jerrold. It made me feel so much better. Someone actually realised my existence. I felt important for a minute, and went back to sleep. I slept much better after that. I woke up and told myself, I should just ignore the problem now, and try and pick myself up. I need to be in one piece to actually tell someone about it anyway.

So i continued laughing, and faced the world.

p/s: Thank you to those who raised their concern about me, I really appreciate it. But I'm sorry, I don't feel that I'm able to actually tell you guys what that piece of news is until I've come to accept it myself, which I believe it'll only happen when I meet one of the 2 parties I've mentioned above that are able to act as stabilisers. I can only imagine myself telling them about it first and allow them to put me in the right frame of mind, or at least get my emotions within controlled. It is very difficult for me now, but I'll take care of myself.

A HYMN OF THE CRUCIFIXION - 9:18 PM